Divorce survival step #2: When you’re down and troubled and you need a helping hand
Not only do you not have to do this alone, you SHOULD NOT do this alone.
I don’t generally like using the word “should” because I think of it as a dirty, guilt-invoking word. Once I start using “shoulds” I start “shoulding” all over myself. But in this case I will make an exception because I believe in this step so strongly.
Where would I be without my friends?
Probably still laying somewhere in the back of my closet (a place I actually found rather comforting for a while after my STBX left). They were my strength, my distraction, my comfort, my companions, my human tissues and on several occasions warm body placeholders on the other side of my bed.
I didn’t have the courage, stamina or ability to make all the initial phone calls. Fortunately I had a best friend, who as luck would have it also happened to be my sister, who stepped up and made most of the calls for me. I will never know at what cost to herself — after all she had also just lost my husband, the man who had become not just like her brother, but actually had been adopted in her heart as a brother. She could no more fathom his sudden about-face than I could. But she was also armed with anger, and she seemed to channel it productively from the get-go.
I know that not everyone is as fortunate as I am to have that kind of support so close. But my sister also lives thousands of miles away from me, and although I initially fled back to home, and dragged her with me upon my return toToronto, she could not stay. All she could do was get the ball rolling.
You just call out my name
After she left, I got out a piece of paper and made a list of the people in my life I could call for support: friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues, anyone who in any way played a role in my life went down on that list. Then I made sublists for friend I could call to cry to (both near and far), friends I could call to make plans like grab a coffee with (especially friends who had kids), and finally a list of people I could go OUT with for fun (ie, single friends). This list was by far the shortest. Being a woman weeks shy of her 30th birthday, this is not a surprise. I didn’t address this immediately, but I did resolve to tune in when friends talked about other friends who were single and started requesting introductions. I found people were remarkably receptive to this and more than happy to connect two single women together – hey, it meant less guilt for them when they said no to going out dancing on Saturday night!
New habits for when you’re living hard
As the first few weeks after my separation went on, I developed a new habit of looking at my calendar for the upcoming week and if I noticed to much unplanned time coming up, I started sending mass emails and group text messages asking people what they were up to. Invariably this lead to more invitations than my mood or energy could possible allow me to accept…but was I ever grateful for the options.
Sure, I have some friends who I didn’t feel as comfortable falling apart in front of, but to that I said good! It forced me to practice keeping it together in time-limited situations. And if I happened to be overcome by emotion while with them, it was not the end of the world.
Charge!!!
So call in the cavalry. And ask them to call in their cavalry. If there was ever a time it was needed it is now. And there is no shame in needing a little – or a lot – of support to get through it. Heck they’ve even written song about it!
When you’re down and troubled
and you need a helping hand
and nothing – nothing is going right.
You just call out my name
and you know wherever I am
I´ll come running, to see you again.
Winter, spring, summer or fall,
all you got to do is call
and I’ll be there, yes I will.
You’ve got a friend.
Ain’t it good to know you’ve got a friend.
Carole King
Love this – Trying to move forward without a support system is really hard. Not only are the amazing shoulders to cry to, but they guide you through a journey – of – self where you have to see the deepest, darkest, most vulnerable aspects of yourself and then, later, they help you see the brightest.
Chiara recently posted..Flirting – Take Another Hit and Get High
What’s your STBX? It’s easy to fall into depression; you’re lucky you had the courage to push on.
J. Allen Matchmaking recently posted..Fear of rejection?
STBX is Soon To Be Ex
Personally I think the guy was nuts. Sassy is awesome
Lawrence recently posted..Dating after sport
First up I love that song, seconded up friends can be a godsend and I include family in that since for me friends and family are the same thing…………thirdly you can only ever take it one day at a time…………..
Jo-Anne recently posted..My Sunday
love love love these. So vital to have support and names / numbers / emails you can wrangle support from! The true and solid people in your life are those that remain after they’ve been exhausted by your needs… they’re the keepers.
Lisa Jey Davis recently posted..Facebook Love Friday – EEDWLJ #63
Love this! You’ve very succinctly dissected the steps I took, girl!! It all came back into full view as I read your steps! You ROCK. So many women (and hopefully some men) will get so much out of this – and they’ll know exactly what to do! XOXO
Ms. Cheevious recently posted..How Buffy the Vampire Slayer Rocked My World
Feel like your blog post will serve as a “helping hand” to many:-)
So true! All too often people are under the misconception that accepting or soliciting help from friends and family is a sign of weakness; that they must “suck it up” and “deal with it”. Total BS! Without the support from your cavalry the road to happiness is much darker, lonelier, and longer!
Marrie recently posted..How to Break Up with Someone : 6 Ways to Avoid Being an Ass
I get by with a little help from my friends…
Actually without friends it is difficult to come right even if they are cruel sometimes.
Wait a minute Sass, are you telling me that you came out of the closet? LOL. JK of course
Lawrence recently posted..Dating after sport
What if you have no family and are thousands of miles from friends and then he leaves and you have not one person to pick you up? Love your blog. It helps.